Paul And Flippers

We spend the day with Paul and Camilla kicking around Richmond and catching up. 

Paul, I am happy to say, gives a nod to The Kooks which we saw together last year. We also saw the Arctic Monkeys for my 40th but I think he enjoyed them less. So this morning I head for the Hampton Pool by Bushy Park after dropping off the kids at school (Madeleine and I have a rousing game of tag until I slip on the concrete and bruise my knee. Game over). 

Hampton Pool is, unusually, outdoors and 36 meters - I mean, WTF? I'm not complaining as it is also one of the few neighborhood pools to allow flippers so I can really haul ass. In fact, using fins has changed my stroke which is now longer with greater stretching and "bounce" to catch water - these changes have stuck without the rubber kicks. My problem usually is the other lap-swimmers who I have to navigate to everybody's irritation. Today while doing a flip-turn I clocked a fellow in the head - I gave my utmost apologies but really it was his fault for hogging the lane. Yes, I admit, part of me wants to scream at some of these people. Kind of like road-rage, I think, so not particularly healthy. 

After I complete my marathoning year I anticipate joining a Masters club which should ease up on the lap-swimmers. Watching Eitan inspires me and in many ways, I think I am a better freestyler today than yester-year when logging ten-miles a day. I also enjoy it a lot more too - any surprise since it is no longer a chore? Middle age has its benefits indeed.

Richmond Hill

Here is another posed image - poor kids - at the outer edge of London on Richmond Hill. This a favorite spot near the Richmond Hill entrance of Richmond Park overlooking the Thames facing west. Behind the kids is Surrey. The week end whizzes by with swimming, football and more football - this time, it is Manchester United vs. local Fulham at Old Trafford. Eitan and Joe Y-H watch the 4-nil trouncing at Joe's house; Joe then comes over for an over-night, goes home at 10PM then returns for breakfast. It is all good and Joe a great pal which reminds me of Jeff Morgan from my same age - what could have happened to him? His brother Louis had cancer so Jeff and I often found ourselves together after school. But back to now: before Joe's departure, the kids decide to sleep downstairs on the floor with Madeleine on the couch. Not missing the action, she. They gorge themselves on ice cream and television and why shouldn't they? Friendship something to celebrate.

Eitan sits next to me and perched before his notebook providing me and Madeleine factoids about a horse, which he studies in school. Did you know that a horse can live 25 years? Charlie lived until 29 so he had an extra long life, Madeleine notes with teary eyes. The number of teeth a horse has equal to its years. Old Billy, the oldest recorded horse lived to 62, though I cannot imagine he had room in his mouth for 62. A horse spends more energy lying down than standing up A horse's head weighs 11,84 pds on average; its heart- 10. I am commanded to bring home horse pictures for the assignment: "make them funny, dad, OK?

Hungerford

My photo facing north from the Southbank - Hungerford Bridge, built in 1845 by the famous Brunel, transports the South Eastern Railway with its terminus just beyond the river, unpictured, at the Strand's Charing Cross next to Trafalgar Square. Next to the rail is one of two Golden Jubulee Bridges constructed in 2000 for foot traffic and whose entire structure held in place by exploiting the tensions between the pylons and the various stay rods and struts. Cool (I took a picture from here once for a perspective). The half-dome is 1 Embankment and the London HQ of PriceWaterhouseCoopers. Boy have I spent some dull hours there. To the left is the beginning of Whitehall or the centre of HM Government administration. My picture at today's high-tide or around 11AM (just another day of goofing off I suppose). And since you asked: the Thames has 70,000-million gallons of water flowing in it. It also used to be connected to Germany's Rhine river but this for another time.

Eitan gets two-pounds for cleaning the living room only to watch his work tussled by Madeleine: "what's the point if you are going to mess things up!" he shouts. I point out that this presents opportunity for cash-flow and his mind does the math: he saves for a pair Nike Steam2 FG football boots at £55 for the entry pair up to £190, which of course the boy wants. This = lots of cleaning.

Richmond Gala

Eitan dashes to victory yesterday at the Richmond Borough Swimming Gala - the boy closest to us in the green-cap. The gala includes 45 schools and over 800 competitors and the largest borough championships in Britain we are told. The finals will be in two weeks. Three months ago when trials announced at school, Eitan all over it - no pushing or prodding from dad trying to relive lost glory. Wednesday night Eitan all butterflies - hard sleep - and looks serious and rather nervous leading up to his race. I watch from the gallery. On deck are various organised teams in school-colours screaming at a deafening pitch. The pool is a fairly new 33 meters but this is England so indoors with little space and, well, wet. It ain't Mission Viejo. Only 250 parents allowed inside to cheer and lucky me I received a Golden Ticket. Security is well-organised which gives comfort that England serious about child safety - I must give my details, ID and wear a badge for my above photo. Small price to pay. After the splash-and-dash Eitan is relieved and his coach Ms. X, who was also his Year-Two teacher, gives him a thumbs up and a well-deserved pat on the cap. He glows. Of course I am proud of Eitan and equally happy to see the camaraderie on the traveling team. Oh, and meanwhile because of texting it gets around quickly that Eitan wins his race and soon a mum tells me she heard Eitan "swimming every morning at the crack of dawn." Ah, yes - his legend secure in primary.

Hooch

Americans, I learn, drink 2.5 gallons of alcohol a year in whatever form: beer, wine, spirit etc. This has been true the last decades regardless of the economy - answering a question I often ask at the booze shop: do sales increase or decline in a recession? My local informs me, for instance, that wine sales are up as fewer people at restaurants staying at home and presumably in front of the flat-screen TV - drink to hand, of course. Balancing this trend, consumers purchasing fewer expensive spirits and wine - the most popular bottles I'm told are £5-6 versus twelve months ago when it was £10-15 (this an entirely unscientific survey BTW with sample of ... one). Intuitively this makes sense when considering the end-result, er, getting drunk, the same - who cares how we get there? Scotland recently got its pants in a twist when it announced a minimum charge per shot, which would be the first of its kind in Europe and ahead of the curve similar to the smoking-ban in California from '96. Not surprisingly, the drinks industry aghast and shout: illegal! which, in fact, it is according to European law. Still the aim is true: get young people off the hooch. Britain, sadly, leads Europe for teen-age binge drinking and the fastest growing category is female teen binge drinking. Not surprisingly, teen pregnancies saw an increase in the last year for the first time since 2002 whilst Labour promised to half the number over this period. Hmmm I wonder if there is a correlation? So back to our initial question: do people drink more or less during hard times? All evidence would suggest lower cost but greater volume. I shudder to think seven or eight years from now.

Photo from Absolut. Does anybody else find their never-ending campaign moronic?

Finland

Photograph, uncredited, of girl and submarine on one of the many small islands in the Bay of Finland neighboring Helsinki where I am Monday night. I have been fortunate to know this city on five or six occasions these last four years and every time I visit I am taken by its charms. There remains a strong Russian or Soviet influence in the architecture and the buildings box-like and strong with differing drab colours in the city center where I stay at The Kamp. The bay is completely frozen and the two towering pleasure ships must be tugged to port behind ice-crushers. Otherwise the docks, which bustle in the spring and summer, deserted. Overlooking everything is the glorious, Finnish Russian Orthodox Church with its roots in the medieval Novgorodian missionary work.

Reuters reports that one in five US mortgages underwater with the sun-states off by 50% in over-built areas. In the UK housing prices down but no where near reflective of the correction taking place in public or private markets. I see this in private equity where funds, by design, meant to suffer recessions by investing and reap rewards during good times - this why they are ten-year vehicles. Inside the portfolios, however, one can see the growing destruction wrought by leverage which may wipe out a class of vintage years. Today now there is grumbling about bank covenants being breached and in some cases like Candover Partners, one of the UK's largest buy-out funds, the closure of business - Candover bailing out of its recent €5 billion fifth fund. Even the secondary market is dead - when you don't know the bottom, you don't buy the assets. All this may suggest that we have pain to suffer, which has not yet passed along to the single-biggest household asset - property. While the decline is ongoing and bloody in the US, London still feels rather content with the run-ups since '95 and unwilling to depart with its "fair value." As the recession bites deeper, this will change I fear and once gone - confidence with it.

Madeleine and I play a game of tag-your-it on the playground before school. Eitan has trials for the Richmond Borough Swimming Gala this afternoon, which I will watch from the stands. 45 schools compete and Eitan has been selected, after a school competition, to represent us.

Moo

Here I am Sunday or any old day in Richmond Park. My cow suit meant for the London Marathon which I will run 26 April for charity. Hence the outfit. We pull into the car-park and, rather unfortunately for everybody really, it is well crowded. The kids, being kids, accept the weirdness in stride - another example of dad being dad. (How can I forget my freshman year at Brown when my mother greeted me for parent's week end in a Gorilla mask+ape gloves?) Indeed I do recognise the occasional raised eyebrow or even smirk. I ask Sonnet to take a few quick photographs and we are out of there quickly. A potentially explosive moment occurs as we depart and I am cut-off unnecessarily by a careless driver in a Range Rover - a car I detest on principal. For a brief moment there is a flare up then I remind myself: I... am . ... dressed.. . . as... a.. . . .. cow . . . .

Here is Marcus on facebook, which I am trying to figure out yet and he gets about right I think:

"Well, it's been good for getting in touch with old friends, but it's a stupid way to keep up communications. Vacuous would about cover it. It's designed exactly for teens and twenties, and does its job well – which is to make the mundane seem important. Seems that's about what that age group is looking for.
"

Week End

Madeleine does her homework. Sort of. Otherwise the day is cold and grey as it has been every day since, like, forever. This the capital's famous climate which does remind one of our proximity to the Atlantic which can otherwise easily be overlooked. Manhattan, for instance, an island but who actually sees the water? While Eitan footballs, I run along the Thames doing a loop from Kew Bridge to Barnes Bridge, northside then southside. There is a well-used trail for runners and part of the Thames Path which opened in 1996 and follows the river from its source near Kemble in Gloucestershire to the Thames Barrier at Charlton. It is about 184 miles long. My circle passes several boat houses and today's rowers out in force - I see at least twenty-five boats from single-hull to sevens - a real traffic jam. The Oxford-Cambridge race soon and completes in nearby Mortlake so maybe this why the buzz. Sonnet makes a brisket and I'm off to Finland tomorrow.

Eitan loses his Match Attack bid by 20p - I can just see the other dad hunched over his notebook son at his side going ... "yes!"

Eitan teases Madeleine for not knowing the players on Manchester United, her stated preferred team. With Eitan out of earshot, I inform Madeleine that ManU's greatest player is Stankowitz - after making me swear several times to its veracity, Madeleine rushes up to Eitan to describe "the Great Jew From The North." This gets a laugh from everybody including Sonnet who (again) rolls her eyes.

Rooney's Value

We all know Wayne Rooney's contributions to club and country but how do we place a value on his usefulness? Manchester United, for instance, paid Everton £25.6 million in transfer rights before the 2004-05 season to secure his position. Rooney himself earns £90,000 per week excluding bonuses for goals, appearances and &c. He makes more from advertisers who value him in the millions. All in, he could easily rake over $20 million. Eitan, for his part, values Rooney at £4.15 which is what he bids this morning on eBay for the Wayne Rooney Match Attack trading card. Plus 75p postage. A pack of six Match Attack cards BTW goes for 35p on the high street but sadly, no pink bubble gum stick like in my old days. Eitan's pricing £3 over the going bid and represents the entirety of his savings depleted already from the neighborhood toy-store Pandemonium. When I ask him to confirm his order before I click, he replies: "what do I care about money? I'm just a kid." (we are going to have a little talk later about this one). I like the idea of Eitan experimenting, under my watch, with eBay to understand the idea of a market with multiple players each with a unique value interpretation. eBay makes it exciting - we now around awaiting the outcome - Eitan in nervous expectation but he is plump out of money should Rooney go higher. I cannot imagine.

Madeleine earns Star-Player status for today's morning effort.

Photo from AbC News.

Rankings, The Mayor And No Desert

And I am happy - Friday! I receive a complementary issue of "Compliance Monthly" whose tag line is "Practical, plain English guidance to the world of compliance." God, I would jump from a bridge before reading this. Here are some of the stories: "Document management a priority for 2009" and "Where next for the Regulator?" ZZZZzzzzzz. Trailhead Capital, based on fund sizes closed in 2008, ranks 17th in the world following groups like Lazards, CSFB and Monument. Not bad for a one-man-band. I'll celebrate by going to bed early. Yesterday, when I ask Eitan how his day has been and he's replied with the usual "everything same, dad" he recalls his lunch where he and a small group of his miniature colleagues show the Mayor Of Richmond around the school. This honor bestowed upon him as a class-room rep - a position selected by his fellow-students in a vote of hands. He's fairly matter-of-fact about such blessings and explains how he took Her Royalness to see the new school kitchen and the Tim Bernard Lee auditorium. The Mayor asks all sorts of questions like "what's your favorite lunch meal?" I understand from Eitan that the kids handled themselves maturely, no farting or speaking out of line though a boy from another class was loudly concerned about missing afternoon class. Just another day, ho-hum. Madeleine, meanwhile, always makes it interesting: she lies to our nanny about school treats to get more at home and caught out by her best friend Jackson, who later on tells the truth unaware of Madeleine's earlier, ahem, position. Madeleine of course angry at Jackson, there's a row, and I come home to no-desert for her. Again. I love Madeleine for it.

Hats

Sonnet and I visit Hats at the V&A, which opened to the public Monday to great fanfare and a party with Kanye West and others. Sonnet hangs. The display is really about Stephen Jones, who is Britain's, and indeed the world's top milliner. Born in Chishire and schooled in Liverpool, Jones hit the London fashion scene during its explosion of street style in the late seventies - Ozzie and Vivian were coming up then. He opened his first shop, in Covent Garden, in 1980 and while he hatted many musicians and celebrities, Boy George was his Big Break. Who of my era can forget that look? Jones made millinery seem modern and compelling using materials that were often radical, and in designs that ranged from refined to whimsical, his exquisitely crafted, quixotic hats encapsulated the fashion mood of the moment. My favorites include ostriche and peacock feathers; improbable cubes and circles, braids and wraps and colours. Colour! From BG, Jones went on to Diana's petites and Kylie Minogue's showgirl headdresses - while, for Dita Von Teese, the burlesque super-star, he fashioned the tiniest of tricornes. He designed hats for the Rolling Stones and Marilyn Manson and his roster today includes Pink, Gwen Stefani, Beyonce Knowles and Alison Goldfrapp. Sonnet's colleague Oriele curated the display and bravo to her!

"Stephen Jones is the maker of the most beautiful hats in the world."
Anna Piaggi, Italian Vogue

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
The Beatles, Abbey Road

Photo of Stephen Jones from www.catwalk.com

Canterbury Cathedral And Batstone

The Cantebury Cathedral, pictured, is one of the oldest and most famous Christian structures in England; not surprisingly, it is also a World Heritage Site. I have lunch Tuesday with Batstone - and indeed, he calls me "Orenstein" when we greet. Batstone is very English and very traditional media - he spent eight years at Carlton Television and seven at The Economist where he was a Director of Business Strategy. He is changing with the times, however, having become a principal and operator in iAnnounce.co.uk, which takes newspaper obituaries and weddings and hosts them via their network. Batstone and I met during the go-go years also known as Web 1.0 and remained friendly during the fall-out afterwards. I think we appreciate our peculiarities or at least differences (at least this what I appreciate about him). He once informed me, matter of factly as I awaited my British passport, that being English meant three things: A) how to carve a roast; B) mix a proper spirit; and C) to tie a bow-tie. Whilst drunk. Every February since 2003 we reunion over lunch, paid for by the loser of a bet. The wager is set one-year in advance and usually media related - past positions have been: Amazon still be around (2003); Google valued at 50% (2004); David Montgomery discredited or in jail (2005); Alistair Darling to back-down on the £25,000 non-dom tax (2008). Usually we go to spiffy media celeb spots like Christopher's or J Sheekey; this year St John's which unfortunate as I suffer food poisoning the night-before. But this for another time. Batstone and I consider the demise of newspapers and surprisingly the Economist flourishes - its circulation is flat or even up in these down-times and they retain their advertising rate. He notes that in today's global aggressive political environment "The Economist is really what people after" and I have to agree. Sadly, looking for a photo of Batstone, I find the 1996 obituary of his wife Susan Gautier Smith who died during their first year of marriage. She was a television producer who worked with many of Britain's best comedians. She was 33. How could I not know this?

The 2009 Bet: If Britain in the bottom three of the G7 I win; if top-three, Batsone wins. If Britain in the middle - a draw

Gentleman's bet #1: Batstone predicts Sky subscribers increase 5%
Gentleman's bet #2: I predict rioting in Britain due to recession and everything else

Tower Bridge

Leon Saperstein took this photo sometime in 2003 and to my great pleasure I spent the day with him scouting "iconic locations". We begin at The Lanesborough Hotel, one of London's best, where Leon and I greet the agency-model, whose name unfortunately do not recall, and her clothing and make-up crew. There is maybe five hours of prep before we head out. Model is Norwegian-Mexican, tall and stunning; at 19 just like any kid uncertain about her career and though enjoying the attention of magazines like Marie Claire, Cosmo and others she is not clear if this for her. She seems pretty unaffected by it all, and smart enough to beware the rogues - I recall her story of visiting an island resort for a shoot which turns out to be her and ten Russian prostitutes on a private estate in the Caribbean. She recognised several of the, ahem, gentlemen and locked herself in a bedroom to her sponsor's anger; she was offered £10,000 to join the party. So from The Lanesborough to Big Ben, Parliament then Bankside and the London Eye we stroll while Leon sets up equipment and snaps shots in midst of tourists who, seeing the adulatory, think they are in presence of celebrity. This makes it difficult to work, let alone move, but I enjoy the scrum. Interesting to note BTW how anybody with a mobile or pocket camera takes own shots... which is mostly a reaction to everybody else or group-think. My favorite instance occurs at a pub where our gal changes into the outfit pictured - all eyes on her, then us - two skinny Jewish kids from the East Bay.

Sonnet And Jade's Contribution

I try to make sure she knows she is loved. Sonnet enjoys a busy time thanks to London Fashion Week and the opening of Hats, which will be reviewed shortly by Suzy Menkes (hail hail hail). Last night she dines at Clark's Restaurant with the former Fashion Editor of the Daily Mail from the 70's - she was the only female editor of a national paper at the time, reaching an audience of six-million. Today, in her 70s, she retains her influence and eccentricity (this is Britain and fashion, afterall). For instance, she wears black-rimmed sunglasses 24-7. Also joining is the Head of V&A publications. Me, I get to stay home with the kids and on balance, I do believe that I have the better evening. Sally Clark BTW apprenticed with Alice Waters at Chez Penise before opening her restaurant in '83 in Notting Hill. It is one of our favorites and takes me straight to Shattuck Avenue though of course not quite the same - the Chez transplendent while Clark's simply excellent though both adhere to strict local sourcing and simple and imaginative menu. Sonnet rolls in around 11PM and I'm already sound asleep - in fact, and I'm not embarrassed to note this, I'm asleep by 8PM reading only to wake up an hour later to find Eitan listening to Manchester United vs. Inter Milan on the wireless (Eitan, excitedly: "It is the best of England versus the best of Italy!"). I order him to bed and get the usual grumble, you always tell me what to do, I can stay up as late as I want, blah blah.

I have purposely avoided Jade Goody who you may know is dying of cancer. Goody made her fame on the original season of Big Brother and then again revisiting the program in 2007 with Indian celebutard Shilpa Shetty who she offended in a British sort of way - Goody's ethnic suggestions unintentional nor meaning harm yet what the country thinks en privé. The show caused rioting in Mumbai. I have always found Goody uninteresting despite her 15-minutes of fame and public fascination. So today she is dying and was to be separated from her fiancé who otherwise jailed for 18 months. Foreign Secretary Jack Straw intervenes so the pair may spend their wedding night together - and the entire country transfixed. It is like Big Brother on steroids. On cocaine. Today Radio 4's Women's Hour does a lengthy segment on when it is OK to re-marry following the death of a partner. Jade announces she wants her husband to find love "when the time is right" whenever that may be. This on the cover of many of the dailies. It is pornography or worse - drawing from some low-brow's misery. Warhol would be entranced. Still, I admire Goody's courage - her efforts may help destigmatise cancer which is otherwise often suffered by families in silence or shame. This may be her important contribution to our society generally and she deserves credit for this, rather than her tabloid.

On Military Spending

Here we are, back to normal. Granted these numbers could be dubious but Wikipedia provides data on US military spending: for the 2009 fiscal year, the base budget rose to $515 billion. Adding emergency discretionary spending and supplemental spending brings the sum to $651 billion. This does not include many military-related items that are outside of the Defense Department budget, such as nuclear weapons research, maintenance and production (about $9.3 billion, which is in the DoE budget), Veterans Affairs (about $33.2 billion), interest on debt incurred in past wars, or the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (which are largely funded through extra-budgetary supplements, about $170 billion in 2007). As of 2009, the United States government is spending about $1 trillion annually on defense-related purposes. This amounts to more than the entire world combined and 8X China. And the scary thing is this: to 2008, with one exception, every department rising faster than inflation (the Virginia Class Submarine see its year-on-year nipped -1.2% which must have been on heck 'uv a battle) while base spending, ie, ongoing, up 5.7%. There are several obvious conclusions: A) what nation-state do we fear and why do we have nuclear missle attack submarines?; B) we are the most hawkish nation in the world; C) this investment does not fight terrorism; and D) no wonder our roads crumble, education declines, streets less safe and national debt ballooning. There are others, too, of course but I hope all those fuckers in the Midwest living on corn fields appreciate their machismo. We are all paying for it.

"A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom."
Martin Luther King, Jr.

www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military_budget_of_the_United_States

McD's

Does it always end up at McDonald's? Otherwise, Madeleine on the look out for "buddies" or stuffed animals on the Canterbury high street and she eventually buys #110, #111, #112 - some even have names. 

I am pleased to find a comics book store with rows of boxes containing sealed originals from the older stuff like "Fantastic Four," "Captain America" and the "X-Men" as well as newer "Dark Knight" and others. I strike up a discussion with the owner who looks about what one would imagine: short on height, bald, thick glasses and wearing an "ACME Comics" T-shirt. He is totally engaging and notes his mission: "just trying to keep the tradition alive" when I say there are a rare-few comics stores left. 

In my yuf Telegraph Avenue owned Comics World and Comics And Comics within two blocks of each other. I learn that before 1969 new-guys Marvel Comics found themselves at the back of the dominant rival D.C. Comics (Superman, Bat Man, etc) - literally, as D.C. owned the distribution and refused Marvel and others their shelf-space; instead D.C. offered the second half, or least desirable part of the book while retaining editorial rights. From 1969, however, D.C. forced open allowing Marvel to develop its own independent comic-lines giving us Spider Man, Hulk, FF and many others in circulation still. 

I ask the fellow if he has read Michael Chabon's "The Adventures of Kavalier And Clay" - which I now read thanks to Christian - the story about a couple of Jewish kids in New York during WWII and the Golden Age of the comics industry. 

I end up buying him a copy and lucky for us because we find Eitan's whoopy-cushion, left on the counter, upon our return. Needless to say, its loss would have been everybody's loss.

Canterbury

We spend the day in Canterbury, where I have not been since our first year in London. The first and only stop is the cathedral, which looms large over the village and indeed all of England: this is the home of the Archbishop of Canterbury, leader of the Church of England and the worldwide Anglican Communion. I hear him from time-to-tim on Radio 4's daily "Thought For The Day" which reaches six-million Brits. But the Cathedral: origins from 597AD when archbishop St. Augustine of Canterbury, previously an abbot Rome, sent by Pope Gregory as a missionary to the Anglo-Saxons; Augustine founded the cathedral in 602 (archaeological investigations in 1993 revealed the the original Saxon cathedral, which was built across a Roman Road)(The kids could care less - in fact, Eitan downright hung-dog and refuses to listen to my brochure) The history palpable - for instance martyrdom, when Tomas Becket murdered by King Henry II ("Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?"); Becket now entombed in the downstairs crypt - creepy. Henry IV and Navine also on display with The Black Prince or Edward of Woodstock and the oldest son of King Edward III and father of Richard the II; Edward an exceptional military leader and popular during his life but died one year before his father and never took the thrown. The cathedral's inside a remarkable, inspiring 90.5 meters high by 90.5 wide and I beg Eitan and Madeleine to consider the effort, if not the history. I may never be able to regard stained glass again - pictured is one of the many, and perhaps oldest in England dating to the 12 century. It is a picture of a pilgrimage to Canterbury.

Madeleine buys a "buddy" at the toy shop but changes her mind 30 seconds later; I get into an arguement with the store clerk who informs me "returns are not our policy." Eitan, unperturbed, begs me to buy him a remote-control-farter.